I Don't Like My Feelings, But I Love My Wife

This new article is Breathe & Eat Chocolate's first for our new topic, Husbands & Marriage. Recently, after much research, we found a need to focus more on a certain audience — men: husbands, fathers, sons, and students. In short, men are forgotten.

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Many men aren't vulnerable. We don't like therapy. I can't even stand my own feelings and dismiss them quickly if they aren't helping or guiding me toward solutions or improvement. This is exactly where we wanted to direct our online publication — with much more focus on men and the many roles we juggle every day. Our new website tagline says it plainly:

Mental health for men who don't do mental health. Moving forward, we want this to feel like a safe place for him. We begin with a category that is the most avoided topic in men's spaces: Husbands & Marriage.

I'll start with a confession — I don't feel comfortable writing an article on husbands and marriage. Why? That's a fair question. But this topic is needed right now. Speaking only for myself, I don't like my feelings. I don't like therapy or the idea of going to therapy. I believe in it and have seen it do wonders for loved ones, and I've played a support role. But sitting in that chair myself? That's a different story.

Many years ago, I participated in a few counseling sessions on marriage before I got married — largely because the pastor we chose in our community recommended it. I actually got quite a bit from those sessions, even though I was in my early 20s and lacked much wisdom. I learned that compromise is critical when you decide to marry someone and spend every day with your spouse. Tied closely to compromise is choosing your battles. As men and husbands, we don't want to be involved with much. But we all have preferences — food, hobbies, who we spend time with, whether a pet is a need or a want. I could go on, but you get the point.

A few years later, I took a college class at Florida State College at Jacksonville called Marriage and the Family. Our professor challenged us on topics like readiness for love, realistic expectations, communication skills, financial partnership, and balancing your own needs alongside someone else's. That was just Day 2. I still have my notes from 19 years ago.

Education on Marriage and Being a Husband

Since then, I have fallen short at being a great husband — more than once. I have read many books on marriage, and one of my favorites is The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller with Kathy Keller. In the first chapter, Keller writes:

That he's tired of listening to sentimental talks on marriage. Much of what he'd heard — at weddings, in church, in Sunday school — had about as much depth as a Hallmark card. While marriage is many things, it is anything but sentimental. Marriage is glorious, but hard.

That is the truth. It's a job where you roll up your sleeves. It's not a fairy tale — sorry, but not sorry. It's a literal job where you are tested, fall flat on your face, especially early and often, and then pick yourself back up. If you have the desire for something good and lasting, you improve yourself, ask questions, and lead in your home. If you aren't good at it, get better. There is no better time than right now.

The Finance Challenge in a Marriage

One example of where I had to step up was finances. In our first few years, our finances weren't organized, and I let my wife handle it — because why not? Sounds like work, right, guys? But I noticed things weren't improving, even though we both worked hard. All we did was work and travel in our 20s. Our finances were neither organized nor growing. Our spreadsheet had more red than green — not a good sign. We were spending more than we had, more than we were saving.

Since this space is now for men and husbands, I can be honest. Our habits were bad. We lacked the discipline and the drive to save and build real assets. We were too impulsive. We focused too much on wants and not enough on needs. We didn't quite grasp that groceries, the mortgage, and utilities were needs — while a nice dinner, an expensive bottle of wine, or another trip to Miami probably was not.

The Faith Part

The next part of rolling up my sleeves for our marriage was recognizing that to reach a more sustainable place, we needed a stronger foundation. We had already learned some of this in marriage counseling with our pastor, but we needed to make a real commitment to our faith and start using the Bible as our guide.

As Keller writes in his introduction:

All married partners need the work of the Holy Spirit in their lives. The Spirit makes Christ's saving work real to our hearts, providing supernatural help against the main enemy of marriage: sinful self-centeredness.

In short, I did not marry with some ancient transactional mindset — a contract between two parties for mutual benefit or family advancement. I married a person. And that changes everything.

Conclusion

Marriage used to be about me, then changed to us. I have been married — thankfully — for 23- years. And the clearest thing I can tell you after all of it —the failures, the financial stress, the faith, the falling short and getting back up — is this:

It is not about me. It never was. I do not succeed or fail on my own. I choose, every day, to ride or die with my soul mate.

That choice is not a feeling. It's a decision you remake quietly, sometimes daily, sometimes in the middle of an argument you know you're going to lose. But that's the job. And if you're reading this, you're already doing something most men won't — you're thinking about it .

That's where it starts.

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